Joy Luck. Merry Merry Christmas.

I realize Christmas is coming up, but for some reason I'm just reminded just how thankful I am.
I'm not really sure why this Christmas I'm suddenly so excited, but I absolutely adore Christmas. It's like... a fuzzy fat cute little bunnie that I want to cuddle and just love over. Sure, I'm not religious.. at all... but the just oh Christmas. It's just lakjdfajflaj! it's about giving, about celebrating, about being together. I just love it! and it's just ahh I don't know but I Just LOVE Christmas.I never have celebrated it, and maybe thats why I'm so excited. But even though it's little things like putting up just a string of lights in the dorm living room, getting a little Christmas tree, I'm just so excited. I don't even want to concentrate on finals (example, writing this). But oh I love it. It's makes me feel giddy ... and.. really happy..

I have this big list of things I want do this Christmas!

Though, even though how excited I been this year.... this week's postsecrets reminded me of how lucky I am. And reminded me of just how Christmas isn't always something happy for everyone, and maybe instead only reminders of how things used to be... or things could be, or only painful reminders of lonely.. scary.. and bad memories we rather forget.. of what isn't there anymore. Reminders of change, and not always good ones. I guess you could say it was humbling.
I don't know.. but... it just reminded me of how lucky I am. How I been given so much. And it reminded me of one of my favorite books, The Joy Luck Club (by Amy Tan).

The Joy Luck Club, was for each week "one of us would host a party to raise money and to raise our spirits. The hostess had to serve speicial dyansyin foods to bring good fortune of all kinds- dumpling shaped like silver money ingots, long rice noodles for long life, boiled peanuts for conceiving sons, and of course many good-luck oranges for plentiful, sweet life.
"What fine food we treated ourselves to with our meager allowances! We didn't notice that the dumplings were stuffed mostly with stingy squash and that the oranges were spotted with wormy holes. .....
We knew we had luxuries few people could afford. We were the lucky ones."
-p.10

"People thought we were wrong to serve banquets every week while many people in the city were starving, eating rats and later, the garbage that the poorest rats used to feed on....
Hnnnh! How could we laugh, people asked.
"It's not that we had no heart or eyes for pain. We were all afraid. We all had our miseries. But to despair was to wish back for something already lost. Or to prolong what was already unbearable. How much can you wish for a favorite warm coat that hangs in the closet of a house that burned down with your mother and father inside it? How long can you see in your mind arm and legs hanging from telephone wries and starving dogs running down the streets with half-chewed hands dangling from their jaws? What was worse, we asked among ourselves, to sit and wait for our own deaths with proper somber faces? Or to choose our own happiness?
"So, we decided to hold parties and pretened each week had become the new year....
We weren't allowed to think a bad thought. We featsted, we laughed, we played games, lost and won, we told the best stories. And each week, we could hope to be lucky. That hope was our only joy. And that's how we came to call our little parties Joy Luck.""
-p.11-12.


Thank you postsecret. For helping me remember. I can't seem to ever thank enough. I been given so much, I'm so incredibly

lucky... how can I even waste this by holding back, by calling myself a failure, or hurting myself like I have before and still do in degrees. How could I ever be so selfish... when so many people are hurting in ways I can't ever understand.
Thank you and I'm sorry; these two phrases I feel like I can't ever say enough.

I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm sorry.. for anyone out there who feels alone, who isn't looking foward to Christmas and is hurting and suffering. Who is battling and struggling in darkness alone. Please know that you are not alone, because that is a lie. And we're not meant to be alone.

This Christmas I want to give back to someone.
I want to make a difference for someone this Christmas.
Pay it forward.

I'm Thankful for:
-my wonderful amazing loving family who I don't appreciate enough (not anywhere close)
-Eric Banizaman
-Andrea Peters (always&forever)
-Friends who I can talk to anything about and be silly and play neopets with, and stalk people on FB with... and do stupid and retarded things without being called stupid or retarded ..
-the wonderful wonderful people in my life
-Postsecret
-Christmas
-The people I work with who are amazing even though I'm really quiet
-Good Professors
-good books
-FOOD&recipes
-the internet
-to write love on her arms.
-joy. love.
-good movies | movie nights
-good conversation
-the way my life is going
-bunnies&cute things
-my parents
-my brother (yes. i repeated.)
-my accent in Chinese
-my flaws

I want to celebrate, and celebrate often.
Because, we are the lucky ones.

you.are.beautiful.
&& loved.

forever,
jennifer

.

I'm sorry.

wooo.

This is stupid.. post after post.

This is my fault.
To expect things out of people who I can't expect anything out of.

I was guess I was too spoiled by my own family, and then somehow expected that same unconditional love from others. And instead of giving back to my own family, I give too much to others who probably won't do the same for me.
How foolish.
My mom was right all along.

I'm done with this...
I'm not a happy person.
So I'll have to work on that first before I exhaust myself giving and wasting it..
I'm not a perfect person. And I'm bitter. And I'm selfish. And I'm tired of this.
Maybe this is a mistake, but I'm tired. I just need to close my heart off.. because I'm too fucking sensitive for this shit. yeah it's not right.. but I'm tired of being dissappointed. And the only people I can ever think that haven't disappointed me is my own family.

I'm going to work on giving back to my own family, really the only people who ever truly deserve this....
I mean I don't regret anything, and everything I have done and given up has been worth it.
I appreciate.. all others have done for me. But nothing will ever to compare to my own family's love, and what I should have been giving back to them I been giving to others...
I will not make this same mistake.

Call me selfish. It doesn't matter anymore.
If anything I'm probably being overemotional or something again. Yay. But whatever.
I will rely on my parents and love them back as I should have.. because they one of the few who won't disappoint me.

whatevaa.

1. Whatever, I'm so much not an asian stereotype. Expect for how much I suck at pronouncing and spelling and the english language, and maybe how obsessed I am at comparing myself to others. I hate math.
2. When I complain about shit that doesn't deserve pity(what I want). In fact it's embarrassing.
3. I think deep down I still feel like I am being added up of my worth by others because of where I go to college? Especially in asian community. I guess when I get into big asian community I go back into to my old, shy, pathetic, very insecure self. This is depressing. This is pathetic. Just get over it already...
I'm such a twisted person.
I don't want to be that type of person anymore, or ever ever everr again.
I probably would have died in the bigger asian community.... in GA.

Ugh.

I wonder if I give too much... if I put too much effort into giving things. Because then I wonder why I don't get the same type of giving back. Yes I'm selfish. And feeling sort of bitter right now, feeling more sad right now. Out of sorts. Maybe I should just stop caring and trying to give so much.

I'm.. tired...
I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to any of this work... most of all don't want to do this math. Maybe it's because I just don't get it, but I can't take Discrete math... I.. it's so hard to wrap about my mind about it.. and it just ... and no matter what i seem to make the same constant grade. probably because i didn't study enough, and that's because I probably really really dislike it... thus my own fault.
People in that class talk to each other so interested about ... all this.. stuff.. that I don't get and probably am not interested in.. so dont belong in that class..

I'm ranting.

because of you.

1. ne-yo has a really smooth voice??
2. my eyes burn. maybe it's cause it's late and i been tired. and probably because i been wearing eyeliner and my eyes probably aren't used to this/don't like it or something. they're red, and slightly burning.. and i sort of enjoy the feeling.

this is just sort of a rant.

but it bothers me how some people are like 'oh atheist believe in nothing.'
and also how some people claim to seem to already know why the reason someone is atheist.
i mean so many things bother me... and it makes me want to cry because i'm overemotional, and maybe because i'm a girl. or maybe it's because because i'm a girl that i am overemotional. whatever.

i guess i just care too much about things sometimes, even though when i tried to help.. there is nothing you can do.. cause the only person who can help them.. well his or herself..
it's really depressing when i really think about it..
wow i'm dumb.

i was convinced to go to church today.
i sort of just felt almost the whole time that i was being yelled at.
i mean i knew that wasn't his intent.. he was quite emotional. i mean he's doing what he feels right.. that's great. people were taking notes. i felt like i was almost in a classroom.
it's a relationship.. not a religion.
all it reminded me was of senior year when i went to gateway, and they asked us who ever doubted to come up and sit at the front. like the 2nd person who dared to do so. and when i did that, the very time i was at gateway because i was invited.. i cried. was it because of shame. was it because i got overwhelmed at being so exposed. i mean i know i cry easily.
crying=a sign of weakness?
i can't but help feel how stupid people must think i am if they have seen my cry in public. oops?
haha. makes me think.. of those things.... of trying so hard not to try in public.. but this... overwhelming undeniable.. lump of feelings just won't go back down.. and just can't calm down. to try to stop the tears.

i guess right now i feel overwhelmed at how much a weak person i am. i mean sometimes i feel that i am a strong person, feel secretly that i am a strong person. and i try to get reassured of that through others, particularly one person. but that doesn't really happen.
i'm pretty moldable.. damn.

this is nonsense.

dismantle.

I never been good at being brief.
Nor am I good at being decisive.

Maybe it's because I'm pretty tired right now and really want to take a nap, or maybe it's because I'm stupid. Actually, probably both.

I wonder why I'm so slow at things. Slow to adjusting, slow to realizing, slow to think, I don't hear shit. Huh.

Honestly I'm trying to fill out this application for the MOVE community conference. And now it just reminds me economics. Because
1. I have to fly, yes fly, to Canada for this conference.
2. It's the weekend RIGHT before exams. If only we could have a week of Reading week, instead of day. There is no possible way I can drive to Canada and make it back alive or in time for my exams.
3. I have to pay 125 dollars IF I get accepted for the conference fee?.

This reminds me of economics because I'm sure they can't accept anyone and everyone that wants to go, cause I'm sure a lot of people want to go. They put this price to make sure the people who REALLY care, who are really determined and will stay with it. I mean... I'm not trying to bash anyone because I'm sure they're a lot of people who really care. But... I guess I don't know where I'm trying to go with this. I guess trying to find out our willingness to pay. Whatever.

I'm staring at this application and have no clue what to write because I'm basically given only one line for each questions. And I'm trying to stuff every emotion I feel into this one sentence, into this brief short answer. It's not easy... I never been good at this.

I don't think I would ever make a very good leader.

And now for some reason all I can think is 'oh, if I was only smarter, if I was only more confident/less shy." Man, I'm pathetic.
Just got to work with what I have. I mean that's all I can really do.

You know... money doesn't really mean much or anything. Sure it's great to buy shit, and be able to buy things for other and nice things like clothes and nice things and etc. I mean duh.
My thought process probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but me.
Because man it's really hot here in my room right now... and I just hope that I'll get accepted even though it would be a big hassle for me to attend this meeting.
I guess this is making sure I really want this.

I guess I'll have to see where this takes me.

Isn't it scary not knowing where or what you're doing/going in life? I feel like I'm too picky for any job out there. I feel like I keep forgetting what's really and truly important.
For some reason I also feel like crying. ? Man I'm weird.
What am I meant for?
Anything I want and desire I suppose.
I guess all I feel is astonishment. Things are just too hard to believe sometimes. Maybe I just feel overwhelmed right now, letting things get to me too much.

oh boy. tired..
but man community is beautiful. And I wish I opened myself up more because I would like to show how apprecative I really am. Guess not very expressing myself without probably looking creepy haha. Damn my awkwardness.

falling for you.

All I can think about is, when next year, next Halloween, next Christmas, Junior year.....
what am I going to miss.

It's not really certain (everything is really unorganized, not really sure what I need to do), but I believe I still have at least a few months before the deadlines.

I plan to be in China for a whole entire year... I wonder if it will be enough to learn Chinese. My Chinese already is back to where it was before I left for China this summer..

One year... it's not really much, but so much can change?
Will I be left behind from everyone I know?
Will I fall away from everyone I know?
People might even be gone... and even if they're not really 'my friends', they're still a part of my life.
That's scary..
How much will I miss? How much will things change? How much will I change? How much will you change?

For a year I will be away. That's big isn't it? Call me childish, but that's scary. And I'm excited, but I'm also so very scared. And I want to so badly want to learn Chinese, but it's still hard to let goo..

I don't know where or what I'm doing with my life; what job? What major? What what where how so many questions. No clues no direction I have no clue what so ever.
Just follow what I want, hopefully that will take me somewhere..
No point in worrying too much. Just gotta do it.

I won't be living in an apartment with Sarah next year.
I might not be able to say goodbye to certain people.
I might lose some people..
No hanging out in Halloween.... who even know about Christmas.. I will miss people's birthday and won't be able to help celebrate their one year closer to death.. I won't have access to facebook or even this blog... all I will have is email and maybe skyping. I won't be able to creep on facebook when I probably shouldn't be haha.. no Eric a phonecall away..
China is quite different from America... in ways it won't be comfortable. Probably thinking too much about it, but can't stop thinking about it.
I'll probably end up in Beijing.
Beijing, this big city, busy busy busy busy busyyyy, so unlike little Irmo/Columbia..
This is my plan, and this is what I want so I'm going to go after it.

In a year, how much different will everything be if/when I come back?
How much different will I be?..