dismantle.

I never been good at being brief.
Nor am I good at being decisive.

Maybe it's because I'm pretty tired right now and really want to take a nap, or maybe it's because I'm stupid. Actually, probably both.

I wonder why I'm so slow at things. Slow to adjusting, slow to realizing, slow to think, I don't hear shit. Huh.

Honestly I'm trying to fill out this application for the MOVE community conference. And now it just reminds me economics. Because
1. I have to fly, yes fly, to Canada for this conference.
2. It's the weekend RIGHT before exams. If only we could have a week of Reading week, instead of day. There is no possible way I can drive to Canada and make it back alive or in time for my exams.
3. I have to pay 125 dollars IF I get accepted for the conference fee?.

This reminds me of economics because I'm sure they can't accept anyone and everyone that wants to go, cause I'm sure a lot of people want to go. They put this price to make sure the people who REALLY care, who are really determined and will stay with it. I mean... I'm not trying to bash anyone because I'm sure they're a lot of people who really care. But... I guess I don't know where I'm trying to go with this. I guess trying to find out our willingness to pay. Whatever.

I'm staring at this application and have no clue what to write because I'm basically given only one line for each questions. And I'm trying to stuff every emotion I feel into this one sentence, into this brief short answer. It's not easy... I never been good at this.

I don't think I would ever make a very good leader.

And now for some reason all I can think is 'oh, if I was only smarter, if I was only more confident/less shy." Man, I'm pathetic.
Just got to work with what I have. I mean that's all I can really do.

You know... money doesn't really mean much or anything. Sure it's great to buy shit, and be able to buy things for other and nice things like clothes and nice things and etc. I mean duh.
My thought process probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but me.
Because man it's really hot here in my room right now... and I just hope that I'll get accepted even though it would be a big hassle for me to attend this meeting.
I guess this is making sure I really want this.

I guess I'll have to see where this takes me.

Isn't it scary not knowing where or what you're doing/going in life? I feel like I'm too picky for any job out there. I feel like I keep forgetting what's really and truly important.
For some reason I also feel like crying. ? Man I'm weird.
What am I meant for?
Anything I want and desire I suppose.
I guess all I feel is astonishment. Things are just too hard to believe sometimes. Maybe I just feel overwhelmed right now, letting things get to me too much.

oh boy. tired..
but man community is beautiful. And I wish I opened myself up more because I would like to show how apprecative I really am. Guess not very expressing myself without probably looking creepy haha. Damn my awkwardness.