two birds.

Sometimes I think that college is mistake.

I cried a lot today, but at least I feel better now after crying my emotional self out.
I basically didn't get any work done and plan on staying up 'til 5am or later because I took a 2 hour nap when I shouldn't have.

All I have done is follow the rules... I feel like my creativity thus has suffered from that; that I been too scared to just try/because I been scared. I been living life by principle, but I'm too scared to get out of it. That I'm in college not because I wanted to be, but that's because... well that's the plan right? Go to high school, go to college, graduate, get a job, get married blahblahblah. A part of me hates that I'm in college... just some... 'beauty contest,' and that it's stupid, and it's not what I want. I don't know what I want.. but this feels empty to me at times. Maybe it's more of just me not being able to handle it.. that I'm the one too weak for college. I wish I could explore more, build my... confidence, my esteem, something in me first... but I feel that maybe society today doesn't give room for that kind of thing. Maybe that's an excuse... it probably is.
They say that college is an investment, but it just.. .. so... I guess something about me hates it. Get a degree, get some career, etc etc.

I feel like I picked the wrong majors. I don't care.. about Math or Economics really. I feel like most of the time I hate what I'm doing, but ... I even more scared about that it's too late. I can't switch because it's too late or else will I do. Or maybe I'm just too scared to switch. I don't know what to do... I'm mostly just really fucking scared, and I feel so lost... I just... finally broke down today. This has been on my mind for a while... but today for some reason I just broke.

I didn't get the Chinese Tutoring job, which I really wanted for another source of 'income' and just... the only thing I seem sure about is Chinese... at least I think so. Only 6 more weeks of classes.. which means only 6 more weeks until summer.. which means... 6 more weeks closer to China. How am I supposed to deal with a year in China.. away from everyone, in a foreign country, in a big city. I don't have the confidence... but I'm hoping that I will come back with the confidence that I sorely lack; I want to be comfortable in my own body. I want to be comfortable with me...
I just want to believe that I too am beautiful... not be scared anymore to be.. me. I don't want to be scared of failure anymore... I just... want to let go of this fear that has been plaguing me for so long.

I feel like I don't have any dreams.
All I feel is pressure.. pressure to complete this, to get the grades cause that's all that matters, to get that degree, to get a well-paid stable job... I don't feel happy about this. It's tiring to hear about that over and over. But then I also feel guilty.. cause I know I'm lucky... so very lucky and when I think these thoughts.. I feel like I'm throwing away all I been given.

But I feel like all I have ever done is.. what I'm 'supposed' to do. Math I'm doing because I'm so-called 'good' at it, but I feel it's more that I have my dad to help me along the way.. that it's not my own work. It's not.. me, not what I do for me. I'm just doing it for some fucking degree, so I can go to grad so I can then get a job. Economics, honestly.. I'm not really sure how I got down that path. I guess I thought I was good at it and that it was interesting, but now it just seems empty to me for some reason. A lot of things seem empty to me now. I get annoyed with a lot people around me, and I don't want to care about anything. I feel like I hate more and more things, and that scares me. I have gradually become more and more bitter with the world, and I feel that could make me rot from the inside out. I feel like I forgot... I feel like I have been more judgmental and not as accepting... that I'm cutting myself from others.
I guess I'm just been out of balance lately.

Depression?

I just feel completely lost and confused.. and I'm too scared to move move and let go.
I just want to go go go, go somewhere different, away, alone. I want to roadtrip all over the place this summer before China.. but that costs money. And I don't have that money. Thats why I also really wanted that tutoring job.. to get more money as well. Now it might just be too late to get a job to make enough money to be able to go places in the summer.. but not have a job to hold me back during the summer.

"And I'm 18 couldn't wait to move out
It's been 5 years and now I'm starting to doubt...
Whether all my dreams are just aimless stares
Looking off to someplace that isn’t there

When I'm 32 will I be miserable?
With everything around based on principle
Will I have a clue,"
-Cartel; Wasted.