.

I'm sorry.

wooo.

This is stupid.. post after post.

This is my fault.
To expect things out of people who I can't expect anything out of.

I was guess I was too spoiled by my own family, and then somehow expected that same unconditional love from others. And instead of giving back to my own family, I give too much to others who probably won't do the same for me.
How foolish.
My mom was right all along.

I'm done with this...
I'm not a happy person.
So I'll have to work on that first before I exhaust myself giving and wasting it..
I'm not a perfect person. And I'm bitter. And I'm selfish. And I'm tired of this.
Maybe this is a mistake, but I'm tired. I just need to close my heart off.. because I'm too fucking sensitive for this shit. yeah it's not right.. but I'm tired of being dissappointed. And the only people I can ever think that haven't disappointed me is my own family.

I'm going to work on giving back to my own family, really the only people who ever truly deserve this....
I mean I don't regret anything, and everything I have done and given up has been worth it.
I appreciate.. all others have done for me. But nothing will ever to compare to my own family's love, and what I should have been giving back to them I been giving to others...
I will not make this same mistake.

Call me selfish. It doesn't matter anymore.
If anything I'm probably being overemotional or something again. Yay. But whatever.
I will rely on my parents and love them back as I should have.. because they one of the few who won't disappoint me.

whatevaa.

1. Whatever, I'm so much not an asian stereotype. Expect for how much I suck at pronouncing and spelling and the english language, and maybe how obsessed I am at comparing myself to others. I hate math.
2. When I complain about shit that doesn't deserve pity(what I want). In fact it's embarrassing.
3. I think deep down I still feel like I am being added up of my worth by others because of where I go to college? Especially in asian community. I guess when I get into big asian community I go back into to my old, shy, pathetic, very insecure self. This is depressing. This is pathetic. Just get over it already...
I'm such a twisted person.
I don't want to be that type of person anymore, or ever ever everr again.
I probably would have died in the bigger asian community.... in GA.

Ugh.

I wonder if I give too much... if I put too much effort into giving things. Because then I wonder why I don't get the same type of giving back. Yes I'm selfish. And feeling sort of bitter right now, feeling more sad right now. Out of sorts. Maybe I should just stop caring and trying to give so much.

I'm.. tired...
I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to any of this work... most of all don't want to do this math. Maybe it's because I just don't get it, but I can't take Discrete math... I.. it's so hard to wrap about my mind about it.. and it just ... and no matter what i seem to make the same constant grade. probably because i didn't study enough, and that's because I probably really really dislike it... thus my own fault.
People in that class talk to each other so interested about ... all this.. stuff.. that I don't get and probably am not interested in.. so dont belong in that class..

I'm ranting.

because of you.

1. ne-yo has a really smooth voice??
2. my eyes burn. maybe it's cause it's late and i been tired. and probably because i been wearing eyeliner and my eyes probably aren't used to this/don't like it or something. they're red, and slightly burning.. and i sort of enjoy the feeling.

this is just sort of a rant.

but it bothers me how some people are like 'oh atheist believe in nothing.'
and also how some people claim to seem to already know why the reason someone is atheist.
i mean so many things bother me... and it makes me want to cry because i'm overemotional, and maybe because i'm a girl. or maybe it's because because i'm a girl that i am overemotional. whatever.

i guess i just care too much about things sometimes, even though when i tried to help.. there is nothing you can do.. cause the only person who can help them.. well his or herself..
it's really depressing when i really think about it..
wow i'm dumb.

i was convinced to go to church today.
i sort of just felt almost the whole time that i was being yelled at.
i mean i knew that wasn't his intent.. he was quite emotional. i mean he's doing what he feels right.. that's great. people were taking notes. i felt like i was almost in a classroom.
it's a relationship.. not a religion.
all it reminded me was of senior year when i went to gateway, and they asked us who ever doubted to come up and sit at the front. like the 2nd person who dared to do so. and when i did that, the very time i was at gateway because i was invited.. i cried. was it because of shame. was it because i got overwhelmed at being so exposed. i mean i know i cry easily.
crying=a sign of weakness?
i can't but help feel how stupid people must think i am if they have seen my cry in public. oops?
haha. makes me think.. of those things.... of trying so hard not to try in public.. but this... overwhelming undeniable.. lump of feelings just won't go back down.. and just can't calm down. to try to stop the tears.

i guess right now i feel overwhelmed at how much a weak person i am. i mean sometimes i feel that i am a strong person, feel secretly that i am a strong person. and i try to get reassured of that through others, particularly one person. but that doesn't really happen.
i'm pretty moldable.. damn.

this is nonsense.

dismantle.

I never been good at being brief.
Nor am I good at being decisive.

Maybe it's because I'm pretty tired right now and really want to take a nap, or maybe it's because I'm stupid. Actually, probably both.

I wonder why I'm so slow at things. Slow to adjusting, slow to realizing, slow to think, I don't hear shit. Huh.

Honestly I'm trying to fill out this application for the MOVE community conference. And now it just reminds me economics. Because
1. I have to fly, yes fly, to Canada for this conference.
2. It's the weekend RIGHT before exams. If only we could have a week of Reading week, instead of day. There is no possible way I can drive to Canada and make it back alive or in time for my exams.
3. I have to pay 125 dollars IF I get accepted for the conference fee?.

This reminds me of economics because I'm sure they can't accept anyone and everyone that wants to go, cause I'm sure a lot of people want to go. They put this price to make sure the people who REALLY care, who are really determined and will stay with it. I mean... I'm not trying to bash anyone because I'm sure they're a lot of people who really care. But... I guess I don't know where I'm trying to go with this. I guess trying to find out our willingness to pay. Whatever.

I'm staring at this application and have no clue what to write because I'm basically given only one line for each questions. And I'm trying to stuff every emotion I feel into this one sentence, into this brief short answer. It's not easy... I never been good at this.

I don't think I would ever make a very good leader.

And now for some reason all I can think is 'oh, if I was only smarter, if I was only more confident/less shy." Man, I'm pathetic.
Just got to work with what I have. I mean that's all I can really do.

You know... money doesn't really mean much or anything. Sure it's great to buy shit, and be able to buy things for other and nice things like clothes and nice things and etc. I mean duh.
My thought process probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but me.
Because man it's really hot here in my room right now... and I just hope that I'll get accepted even though it would be a big hassle for me to attend this meeting.
I guess this is making sure I really want this.

I guess I'll have to see where this takes me.

Isn't it scary not knowing where or what you're doing/going in life? I feel like I'm too picky for any job out there. I feel like I keep forgetting what's really and truly important.
For some reason I also feel like crying. ? Man I'm weird.
What am I meant for?
Anything I want and desire I suppose.
I guess all I feel is astonishment. Things are just too hard to believe sometimes. Maybe I just feel overwhelmed right now, letting things get to me too much.

oh boy. tired..
but man community is beautiful. And I wish I opened myself up more because I would like to show how apprecative I really am. Guess not very expressing myself without probably looking creepy haha. Damn my awkwardness.

falling for you.

All I can think about is, when next year, next Halloween, next Christmas, Junior year.....
what am I going to miss.

It's not really certain (everything is really unorganized, not really sure what I need to do), but I believe I still have at least a few months before the deadlines.

I plan to be in China for a whole entire year... I wonder if it will be enough to learn Chinese. My Chinese already is back to where it was before I left for China this summer..

One year... it's not really much, but so much can change?
Will I be left behind from everyone I know?
Will I fall away from everyone I know?
People might even be gone... and even if they're not really 'my friends', they're still a part of my life.
That's scary..
How much will I miss? How much will things change? How much will I change? How much will you change?

For a year I will be away. That's big isn't it? Call me childish, but that's scary. And I'm excited, but I'm also so very scared. And I want to so badly want to learn Chinese, but it's still hard to let goo..

I don't know where or what I'm doing with my life; what job? What major? What what where how so many questions. No clues no direction I have no clue what so ever.
Just follow what I want, hopefully that will take me somewhere..
No point in worrying too much. Just gotta do it.

I won't be living in an apartment with Sarah next year.
I might not be able to say goodbye to certain people.
I might lose some people..
No hanging out in Halloween.... who even know about Christmas.. I will miss people's birthday and won't be able to help celebrate their one year closer to death.. I won't have access to facebook or even this blog... all I will have is email and maybe skyping. I won't be able to creep on facebook when I probably shouldn't be haha.. no Eric a phonecall away..
China is quite different from America... in ways it won't be comfortable. Probably thinking too much about it, but can't stop thinking about it.
I'll probably end up in Beijing.
Beijing, this big city, busy busy busy busy busyyyy, so unlike little Irmo/Columbia..
This is my plan, and this is what I want so I'm going to go after it.

In a year, how much different will everything be if/when I come back?
How much different will I be?..