postsecret.

"The only thing I've learned from my Ivy League education is how many things in my life are more important."

(I couldn't really upload the picture with the saying side.)
-A Postsecret.

I wonder it's a bad thing about how that might make me feel better. Even though I have known for a while what's more important. Sometimes I still fall back into that mind-set though.
Isn't that why I wanted to be a teacher in the first place? Because education is important not in it's grade context, but in it's learning context. Learning life, learning about yourself. Learning what you want, and working hard towards that.

good morning; the sun is shining.

"very passive. You used to be a lot like that but your['re] a lot less passive now than before"

I'm very far (so deeply far) from perfect. Last night, I felt shitty. I beat myself up. I hated myself, because I'm too hard on myself. And then it turned into bitterness and hatred towards others. And then I finally got over it. and fixed it.

I... honestly I feel like I'm changing. I feel like I'm growing... growing stronger and figuring things out. Seeing things. I feel stronger. And I know I still have a long way to go, but I just.. feel like I'm truly changing. Not because other have pushed me, not because I necessary have to or because life or time is moving but because I am changing myself on my own terms; because I'm moving myself. In my own hands; on my own accord. I'm finally taking it in my own hands and making my own choices for myself. Trying to finally rely on myself, for I have always relied too much on others. That makes me feel... so happy. It makes me feel...love. Love for myself. And I haven't really ever truly felt that really.
I feel love.
I feel a l i v e.

I know, oh I know I have so much more to go. And so much more to struggle through. But it's these struggles... ohh baby it's these struggles that remind me, they only remind me, they wake me up, remind me of what's important, of who I am. It opens my eyes, and most of my heart. I love it.

I can never forgot. I will never give up. I will only take it with me and go stronger.
I'm tired of caring too much. I'm too tired of holding back for what I want.

I'm tired of being passive. Being passive... it sucks. You just... stay there... I just... stund there.. shaking in fear..... struck breathing in murky, stale air. You just surrond yourself.. in nothing. You're just stuck... nonmoving. It's an unsatifisying feeling. You do nothing, and make nothing. It doesn't make me feel happy at all. It doesn't do anything.
I don't want that anymore.
If I want to be happy.. I just have to go after it. That's all there is to it. Simple. Not so easy (no, not at all. it's confusing.. it's difficult, and it hurts), but that's what makes it so precious and joyful in the end.
And I'll still be shivering and shaking in fear, but I'm not just going to simply stand there anymore. I'm so going to move forward.

I truly feel like I'm going to like who I am a lot more from now on.
I feel like I truly love who I am becoming.

I'm not giving up.
I'm going to try my best.

I can't offer anything yet, because all I have to offer right now is half-ass.
I want to give all of me to that one person that I can truly make happy with everything I got. And to do that, I need to find myself first.

I will learn.

Never.ever.forget.

Paths I could go down (maybe):
1. Teacher, to work way towards Principal
2. Math (teacher)
3. Economics
4. Business International maybe.
5. International Relations maybe.
6. Somehow become some type of Translator maybe.??

The only thing I'm sure of right now is that I need, must, have to learn Chinese.
I will learn Chinese, and I promise you that I will become fluent. I"m not giving up. I know my Chinese sucks right now, I know it's bad and that I have a long way to go. I'm realistic about this and about how poor my Chinese is right now. I'm realistic about how much further I will have to go.
I can't give up.
For family, for friends, but most of all for me.
I made a promise.

To study aboard in Chinese in the upcoming spring semester is the only things that truly seems to feel right. The only thing that makes sense to do right now.

i can only think in lists.

1. I find it shameful about my inability to speak Chinese, and more so of my accent. (it's embarrassing. an embarrassment that runs so deep.... running... running... turns into fear. turns into insecurity. spinning. spinning. turns to failure. turns to loneliness. spinning. all these feelings. pointless. useless. so why can't i just stop... )
2. I feel dirty. a feeling... a guilt.. that sticks sticks to me. weighed down. stuck. like as if i'm trying to clean myself off but to only make it dirtier and dirtier smearing it everywhere.. because you can't be made pure again. ever. this tar is the only thing keeping me together right now. this thick, blinding, haunting, gross sin of live(ing). all i can do is breathe in.
3. I feel like maybe the only thing I'm even really sure about right now is that I need to learn Chinese. For family, for I been given too much. too much. I have too much left over, spilling over. So much waste.
4. I can't get anything out at this point.
5. I need inspiration. I need a push. I need to kick myself, push myself out of this. I'm stuck.
6. Nothing makes sense to me right now. Words jumble in my mind, words won't form, emotions won't stay still. Tumbling, rolling, shaking, shivering. feeling. nothing, nothing. nothing at all. none of it makes any sense.
7. Searching. for something.
8. I don't want to be selfish anymore. But I been failing uncontrollably.

If I learn Chinese, will that help me find some direction?
If I go back to China, will I find something that I feel like I lost? Will I find my heart again? Or is it something that I always have had, just too blind to see? Or is it because it is just something all in a language that I can't read? Is it just in a language that I can't understand, that is as foriegn to me as I am a foriegner in China? Is it just something that I can't understand yet? Because my heart is too immature, too soft? I have hands that have never known hard work. I have a heart that has never known hard times.
I want to be able to talk to my own family.
This language barrier could have been something that was avoided, this is something I can actually do something about.
So let me start there, of what I can do. I don't know where else to start... what else to do.

American in China. Chinese in America. Not one or the other. Not Azn enough for the community, not smart enough, Chinese isn't good enough, either is my English. No help. No cohesion. No sense.
Lost in Translation. (I know it's a movie, but just the name seems to fit well).
Found, found, just in a language I can't read. In a language I can't speak. In a language I can't understand.

I don't want any pity anymore. I just want the truth.
I don't want to be looked down anymore.

Even though it's a stumble, it's somehow a first step.
a first step towards home.
i been lost, trampling cruelly, selfishly trampling on feelings just trying to find something solid to put my feet on, something.. anything to hold onto, trying to find home, to where i belong. not paying attention to anything else, except myself myself myself nothing else (lost) lonely all alone in the dark not seeing the disaster i was making. thinking selfishly. being alone thus of result. looking with no direction, no sense of what i wanted. find myself no where, in a dark place, hurting. hurting others. dismantle dismantle dismantle.
will there ever be any repair? can there?
with no care in the world except for myself only... so selfish. so much damage. if i look back... will i ever be able to look back... go back... will i be able to ever grow it all back?

no such thing as redemption.
i was fucked from the very beginning.
to live. spelled backward.
i been living backwards. this. that. is who i am. nothing else.


please let it rain tonight.
my heart is thirsty.


[lists. always help me organize].

I'm all alone now. I only have myself to rely on now.
It... it will be okay.
These nights are cold, but I have been cold myself.
Stop. stop stop being weak. I must go on by myself. alone.

Never ever ever forget.
I must never forget.