no air.

It's 4:00am, and I should be doing work.
Pulled an all nighter, and then fell asleep at 5:00pm to 11:oopm. Haven't done that since high school.

This was something I wrote a while ago, before college even started.
"i'm not ready for the thought of college. sure, by the time i get there i'll meet new people and blahblahblah all that other stuff and it'll be amazing and great."

I was thinking about this actually a few days ago, about how I really haven't meet "all these new people." All I realized is that I am more and more seeing who is truly important to me.

College isn't anything new... at all.
Freshman year coming in, maybe I was obsessed with how things are supposed to be 'brand new' and 'amazing and great.' And in a way, college is amazing and great. But it's not 'amazing and great' because it's 'something new,' but instead because it's something... it's something.... it's only helping me realize what's truly important. Maybe college really isn't that great actually. Just trying to go through life, whatever. This doesn't seem real. I'm exhausted, this probably isn't make sense.
I don't need something 'new' or whatever to make college life so exciting or whatever; that's not what it is about.. at least not to me. I just need to do what I want; to do what I love.

I'm personally glad I'm so close to home.
I'm not a good person and I don't treat my family the way they should be treated. It's probably even an excuse of mine to call myself a bad person and that's why I don't treat them the way they deserve. But I'm not a good person, and maybe I'm even jealous of people who are supposedly good. I have the best family ever... they have taught me well. And I'm glad that I have stayed close.
I hope that slowly day by day I can overcome my own selfishness.

And people really annoy me sometimes. just saying.

crybaby.

I am:
-a crybaby
-scared
-awkward & not aggressive at all
-way too scared of making mistakes
-stupid
-care too much about things that don't really matter
-scared of being judged
-also intimidated by other people (such like people in my Math 574 class)
-uncomfortable

Yay, I'm just really awkward.
But I refuse to stay stuck.

It's okay okay okayyy to make mistakes.
Blah I'll never be okay with that.

I ain't no glamorous thang.
I'm probably obsessed with the glamorous, the things that seem smooth, that are well-put together and flow; with people that make it 'seem easy.' Because that is probably all things that I'm not. I'm rough and jagged; broken with many pieces missing. I'm still a child, and I'm a scared little kid. I'm awkward, and that's a painful thing to probably watch. It makes me cring. I don't have anything together.
But that's okay.

I want:
-to push myself out of my comfort zones
-to be more comfortable with who I ammm
-to strive to understand things I don't
-to always learn and learn
(i need to get back into reading)

Even though it's a big struggle, Math 574 is helping me learn more about what's truly important. I feel so intimidated in that class, and when I had to do a (simple) problem in class with no clue what I was doing, I wanted to (yes) cry. Yes that's stupid. It's not the end of the world, but I was scared shitless. And it was probably an awkward thing to watch. And even though they probably think I'm stupid... or something (pathetic maybe?) it really shouldn't and truly doesn't matter. And I'm glad that I was pushed, even though I'm stupid. And even though I really dislike/don't understand what is going on in that class it's a slow process, but I'm learning from that class in many more ways then just one.