no air.

It's 4:00am, and I should be doing work.
Pulled an all nighter, and then fell asleep at 5:00pm to 11:oopm. Haven't done that since high school.

This was something I wrote a while ago, before college even started.
"i'm not ready for the thought of college. sure, by the time i get there i'll meet new people and blahblahblah all that other stuff and it'll be amazing and great."

I was thinking about this actually a few days ago, about how I really haven't meet "all these new people." All I realized is that I am more and more seeing who is truly important to me.

College isn't anything new... at all.
Freshman year coming in, maybe I was obsessed with how things are supposed to be 'brand new' and 'amazing and great.' And in a way, college is amazing and great. But it's not 'amazing and great' because it's 'something new,' but instead because it's something... it's something.... it's only helping me realize what's truly important. Maybe college really isn't that great actually. Just trying to go through life, whatever. This doesn't seem real. I'm exhausted, this probably isn't make sense.
I don't need something 'new' or whatever to make college life so exciting or whatever; that's not what it is about.. at least not to me. I just need to do what I want; to do what I love.

I'm personally glad I'm so close to home.
I'm not a good person and I don't treat my family the way they should be treated. It's probably even an excuse of mine to call myself a bad person and that's why I don't treat them the way they deserve. But I'm not a good person, and maybe I'm even jealous of people who are supposedly good. I have the best family ever... they have taught me well. And I'm glad that I have stayed close.
I hope that slowly day by day I can overcome my own selfishness.

And people really annoy me sometimes. just saying.

crybaby.

I am:
-a crybaby
-scared
-awkward & not aggressive at all
-way too scared of making mistakes
-stupid
-care too much about things that don't really matter
-scared of being judged
-also intimidated by other people (such like people in my Math 574 class)
-uncomfortable

Yay, I'm just really awkward.
But I refuse to stay stuck.

It's okay okay okayyy to make mistakes.
Blah I'll never be okay with that.

I ain't no glamorous thang.
I'm probably obsessed with the glamorous, the things that seem smooth, that are well-put together and flow; with people that make it 'seem easy.' Because that is probably all things that I'm not. I'm rough and jagged; broken with many pieces missing. I'm still a child, and I'm a scared little kid. I'm awkward, and that's a painful thing to probably watch. It makes me cring. I don't have anything together.
But that's okay.

I want:
-to push myself out of my comfort zones
-to be more comfortable with who I ammm
-to strive to understand things I don't
-to always learn and learn
(i need to get back into reading)

Even though it's a big struggle, Math 574 is helping me learn more about what's truly important. I feel so intimidated in that class, and when I had to do a (simple) problem in class with no clue what I was doing, I wanted to (yes) cry. Yes that's stupid. It's not the end of the world, but I was scared shitless. And it was probably an awkward thing to watch. And even though they probably think I'm stupid... or something (pathetic maybe?) it really shouldn't and truly doesn't matter. And I'm glad that I was pushed, even though I'm stupid. And even though I really dislike/don't understand what is going on in that class it's a slow process, but I'm learning from that class in many more ways then just one.

jumble of thoughts.

i want to live a life of love.
-love of the life i'm leading.
-love what i'm doing
-love who i am and the choices i'm making
-no restrictions
-no holding back
-to do what i love and want
-no.restrictions
-no holding back
-to wear what i want.


Full Metal Alchemist is basically my favorite anime of all time (the first anime, the one that differs from the manga).
because
1. Family. Family is so important. These two brothers live for only each other.
Family family family is so precious. I want two kids at least, so that they hopefully know what it means to have a sibling. .. so hopefully that they will understand the importance of family. And how strong family love is.
2. It's sooooooooooooooooo good. Lkfjaldkfj af it's amazing. I love it.


I'm so insecure.
I always criticizing and judging others.
Don't lie, because I know you're doing it too. We all do.
I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want be insecure anymore. I don't want to be constantly judging others , and more importantly I don't want to be judging myself.
"Do what you love, and fuck the rest".
-Little Miss Sunshine
Who cares who cares. It doesn't matter. Wear what you love. Do what you love. Live the life you love, and fuck the rest. This who I am, and I will go after what I want. We're all trying to live the life that we can all love. So who I am to try and judge someone else is doing the very same thing I'm doing: struggling.
Be true Jennifer be trueeeeee. lulz.

I will always believe that working hard will give you an equivalent exchange. I do believe that what you put in will be what you get in the end. If you put in a half-ass job, you will get only half-ass back. Go ahead and cheat, but it will come back to haunt you. You at least lost my respect. This... this working hard, struggling gives me back so much that I can't even begin to explain.
I wrote this a while ago (at least 2 years ago, my senior year of high school):
"want to know a quick way to lose my respect?
cheat. just go ahead and do it.
cheating is a coward's way out and it's p a t h e t i c. so very pitiful.
sure, maybe you're getting the better grade but i'm learning things so much more valuable than you are.
so go ahead and take the cheap way out, you'll pay the consequences later in life when you don't know how to deal with failure and i will not feel sorry for you.
maybe cheating is wrong but more than that it's one very poor choice that i believe shows how just hollow you are.
no excuses.


i have no regrets what so ever.
none at all."

call me a child for believing that i will get something back for my hard work.
i rather be called a child forever then. Besides.. isn't there something precious about always being a child. I will always hold on to that belief, and that hope. and love.
(another reason why I love Full Metal Alchemist so much. You'll know what I'm talking about if you seen it).
I'm growing. I know I am.

What's Important.

These two sort of have to do with each other.
It's related, and the relation makes sense to me.

This.

This is what is important:
(if you don't read anything else, just read this article here)

http://www.abroadview.org/avmag/2009spring_lonsdorf.html

----------------------------

From this very same Magazine, I found an article called "Mandarin Missteps."
I can't find an online text to link.
But this makes me remember that it doesn't matter have I have an accent in Chinese right now. I don't mean to point out anyone, but you tell me that my Chinese sucks. Excuse me but it's not easy. And I am trying. I didn't study Chinese when I was a baby, I didn't go to China when I was 1 years old or anything. I didn't study the way I should way I should have during Chinese school. What's more important then me not having an accent is to be able to connect and communicate with my Chinese family, to communicate and share with Chinese people. To connect with more and more people. Communication is extremely important. I do not want some language barrier to stop that.

I'm Chinese-American.
And it's a terrible habit of mine to compare myself to others, specifically other asians. "The cost of being asian." haha.
Excuse me, but fuck your shit.
For the longest time I been ashamed of my inability to speak Chinese/of my accent.
I'm fucking tired of being ashamed or embarrassed.
It's not anything I have to be embarrassed about.
How is it embarrassing that I'm trying?
Honestly before my Chinese trip I thought I would have no problem with accents or anything; I thought I didn't have an American accent. I thought I spoke Chinese like an Chinese. How I was so wrong, and how often I was reminded of that.

The worst mistake I ever made was to be ashamed of myself or be scared to speak Chinese.
So what, I go to USC (no, not University of Southern Carolina).
So what that I speak Chinese incorrectly and with an accent. It's a learning process.
So what that I don't go to Yale, or Emory, or blahblahblah.
More then anything, I need to get over this comparing shit. Because it means absolutely nothing. That doesn't make me happy.
Bring honor to the family? That means nothing. Family is about love, isn't it?
Most of all, fuck my own bullshit.
I'm not going to take anyone's else bullshit, so I'm not going to take my own bullshit either.
I'm smart, I'm a hard worker, I.. am not a failure and I am worthy of respect.
This, this is enough to make my parents proud.
To go after my own happiness, is repaying back my parents.
haha. I have such great parents. Really... really... they're amazing.
My parents taught me to work hard for myself, for my own sake. My parents most of all showed me love. My parents worked hard and gave me the choices, the opportunities they never had. They tell me to work hard in school too so I have the freedom to have choices. But making the grade, making the school isn't everything. It isn't what's most important in life. There are so many more things that are more important. At least more important to me.
But I don't deny, I can't deny that my dad working hard, coming to America because he did work hard at school and did make the grades allowed him to have an easier life now, and thus in turn allowed me to have an easier and better life. Because my dad worked hard, I can... have the luxury of well.. not having to work as hard.

But my dad doesn't move my heart because he went to Harvard. He moves my hearts because he is my bald, loving dad that will give up anything for me. He moves my hearts because he is always willingly to help me, and despite of all my failures he always loves me. He known such hardship, I can't even imagine how hard he must have worked... but here he is in plain old USC of SC working with a family, happy. Loving.

Just as my dad worked hard for his dream though.
I will too.
I don't know where I'm going; not sure where I will take me but I'm moving forward.
I must throw my best into everything.
I don't want to get lost in the simple surface of shiny things, of things that seem or look nice. I want to dig deep into the meanings, in the things beyond. The true meanings; the things that are truly important.


'Mandarin Missteps'
(Taiwanese-American studying aboard in Beijing, China. His story).

"Having grown up in a Chinese-speaking home, I had not anticipated much difficulty in communicating with locals, let alone with teachers in class during my time aboard.
.....
With a new teacher and a new class environment, I hoped to deflect any suspicions of my southern accent by carefully and conscientiously speaking with "er" sounds and heavy "sh" sounds when necessary, staples of Beijing accent. Much to my chagrin, the new teacher immediately picked up on my Taiwanese roots and made it a point to remind me of this whenever I spoke. It's not that I didn't want people to know that my family was from Taiwan; rather, I had hoped that my hard work throughout the summer was enough to prove that I could speak Mandarin like a true "Beijinger."
......
Facing yet another road-block, I began questioning my Chinese language abilities and whether or not I could even communicate effectively. When speaking with teachers and locals, I found it hard not to fall in a state of hyper self-consciousness. Simply put, I lost a lot of confidence.
....
I began losing my confidence and my ability to speak the language. I was ambitious to a fault, and it made me lose sight of the very reasons why I come to China: to improve my understanding of the country and to connect with Chinese students. Realistically speaking, as a Taiwanese-American, it is next to impossible for me to pass myself off as a local Chinese.
....
As with any language, using accurate tones in Mandarin cannot and should not be overlooked. But I continue to realize that, ultimately, my Chinese ability will be judged not on my accent but on how well I can understand and connect with Chinese people, a gradual and ongoing process that I have only just begun."
-Vince Liang. Excerpts from the Aboard View Magazine, Fall 2009 Volume 12.

ohm nom nom.

I just realized that I can spend hours reading recipes and about how to cook without getting bored.

Coming from an azn family, I sort of find it disappointing that I never had those experiences from your childhood of your mom... baking and you sitting there / learning / eating it or whatever. Do you know what I mean? Maybe?
What's more disappointing is that I still haven't learned how to cook Chinese food from my mom.
I need to start, very soon.

I want to learn:
1. How to cook Chinese food.
2. How to book Brown food (Iranian food, Paki? food, haha from Sarah basically).
3. American food?
4. How to bake. well; really well.

I.LOVE.FOOD.
So I need to learn how to COOK good food.
I hate eating dinner by myself... because I love sharing food.
If I am able to cook good food and share that, that will make me extremely happy.

It's like I want to concentrate on everything but academics.
oh boy.

Honestly, the more and more I grow up, the more and more that I fall in love with the fact that I'm both American and Chinese. To me, for me, just being Chinese, limiting myself to just one... (I mean whatever that means) would seem .. i don't know boring? NOT THAT I'M INSULTING ANYONE OR CALLNG ANYONE BORING OF ONE RACE. CAUSE THAT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL!
I don't know if I can even explain it. But I like it. It's like having two homes. Whatever, I don't know. I just like it.

Foodddddddddddddddd.
Communciationnn.

(I also realized the other day, I love the smell of cooking onions... just.. not so much the part of actually cutting them)

[whore]

I can't really say anything.

Talking like you're better than others? Pshttttttt, now that's funny.

I'm an attention whore in the end, and it's pathetic.
This is why I can't be in a relationship. Because just like so many others, I still crave that attention of boys.
And I don't have that thing of commitment down. I don't have it down at all. Not in the romantic type of relationships.
I want to be liked, maybe even loved. Who even fucking knows, because I don't.
I need that attention of some guy that I do like. For it can't just be any guy, I'm very picky. It has to be a guy that I like for who he is at least, even as just a friend. I don't care. I just wanted to be liked. But not just by anyone, but someone that has personality and is a good person because that means if that person is a person that I like too then if they likelike me then that must mean something right? Not just one person, I will move on to the next one once there is a new one. This is all just in my own head. I have respect for myself. I have pride in myself. But even if this is all in my own head, it shows a lack of something. Of something essential. Of maturity; and probably of self-esteem. I know it really means nothing, but a part of me still thinks this way.
Crush-whore.

This is probably some pathetic way of me to find a way to like myself.

Ugly person, that I am.

Am I ashamed? Maybe. Why am I even writing something out that is so private?
Maybe I want to try and tell people to stay away from this diseased way of thinking, of this toxic me, because I probably won't stay away myself. Maybe this is way of me trying to get it out so I can somehow take a step forward. By admitting it out loud.

"The two of us are screaming, even now
Just continuing to believe isn't the answer
Expose your weaknesses and your wounds
If we don't continue to struggle, nothing will begin
So break through, beyond the door"
-Tobira no Mukou e/Beyond the Door

Expose your weakness and wounds.
Struggle.
I don't feel ashamed honestly. I wonder if I should. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am.
I'm not perfect. I'm an ugly, sick person.
Excuses maybe.
Whatever.
I'm growing. I'm not going to hide anymore because I supposely too much of sinner or beast to show my face. "Even though I'm no more than a monster - don't I, too, have the right to live?" - Old Boy

Rant rant rant.
I have hurt people; there is no way to ever make that up. I don't believe in any equivalent exchange that somehow makes that up. For me, for myself personally, I don't believe any reason I have can ever justify anything that I have done to hurt others... I only add more and more to my debt.
I have hurt so many: more importantly the ones who I love the most and love me more then I truly deserve. But I will not become a waste to everyone that I know.
I will not underestimate the power of saying sorry... words. Words are empty. But it's somehow a step, even if it's so very small.

"If we don't continue to run, there is no future
So move forward, beyond the door"

work hard.play hard.

Some of the most important things you learn in life you can never learn in a classroom.
This really reminds me of what's important in life.
And I'm... so grateful that my parents were able to realize what's truly important in life, because the only person who ever really saw myself as a failure was myself. They just want me to be happy, and they are intelligent enough to realize that I am basically the only person who will be able to determine what will or not make my life successful or happy. Not grades, not what college you go to, not how much money you have or make, and most certainly not what other people's 'standards' of successful and honor is. This is my life.
"I want the best of life and love and hope and all that I can choke, I want to taste it, because I can't become a waste of everyone I know." - doc sommers band/brevada

it's all about balance.
and balance is very important to me.

1. I'm tired of shitting on people behind their backs. Honestly... I'm really tired of it. It's childish, it's stupid. It's immature. Judging.. someone simply by this one incident.. by this one occurrence.... isn't that is why I always been so scared of other people judging me? This is the exactly the reason that I'm always scared of what other people think. And the fact that I been doing the very same thing myself is weak, and I got exactly what I deserved. How pretty or ugly someone is... it doesn't matter. And I don't think it's start to really hit me how much it doesn't matter until now. I'm living my own life. Herwooooo. So are you.
2. Andrea told me before that I always accepted people for who ever they were. I feel like I really haven't been doing that at all lately, for a very long time. at all.
3. I want to become a better cook. I want to become a really good cook and baker. Food is important to me (not just because I love to eat...well... maybe). But for some reason it is important to me... and I don't really have too much of problem spending my money on food. I like to buy a lot of food in hopes of sharing with others. I want to become a good cook so that I can share this food with others, so they can enjoy this food too... and so we can enjoy this food together. I mean I suck at cooking now, but it's a trial&error... a learning experience. It is important to me.
4. I will work harder. In everything; in work, in school, in my relationships, in who I am and who I want to become, in myself, in getting over my fear, in life. I can't give up. I refuse to give up. I don't want to limit myself like I have always have before. I don't want to close my mind off because someone tells me something is wrong or whatever. And I most of all don't want to close myself off because someone else says I can't. I don't want to stop just because I'm telling myself I can't.
I don't want to way things like 'impossible.'

I been given so much. I just want to truly give back.

I just want to live my life without boundaries or restrictions that I myself set up in my own mind.
I will not waste.
I'm not good at much...
but I'm not giving up.
I will throw in my best in everything in life. I must promise myself that. and I must never forget.

I like people who try their best. So I want to like myself too.