[whore]

I can't really say anything.

Talking like you're better than others? Pshttttttt, now that's funny.

I'm an attention whore in the end, and it's pathetic.
This is why I can't be in a relationship. Because just like so many others, I still crave that attention of boys.
And I don't have that thing of commitment down. I don't have it down at all. Not in the romantic type of relationships.
I want to be liked, maybe even loved. Who even fucking knows, because I don't.
I need that attention of some guy that I do like. For it can't just be any guy, I'm very picky. It has to be a guy that I like for who he is at least, even as just a friend. I don't care. I just wanted to be liked. But not just by anyone, but someone that has personality and is a good person because that means if that person is a person that I like too then if they likelike me then that must mean something right? Not just one person, I will move on to the next one once there is a new one. This is all just in my own head. I have respect for myself. I have pride in myself. But even if this is all in my own head, it shows a lack of something. Of something essential. Of maturity; and probably of self-esteem. I know it really means nothing, but a part of me still thinks this way.
Crush-whore.

This is probably some pathetic way of me to find a way to like myself.

Ugly person, that I am.

Am I ashamed? Maybe. Why am I even writing something out that is so private?
Maybe I want to try and tell people to stay away from this diseased way of thinking, of this toxic me, because I probably won't stay away myself. Maybe this is way of me trying to get it out so I can somehow take a step forward. By admitting it out loud.

"The two of us are screaming, even now
Just continuing to believe isn't the answer
Expose your weaknesses and your wounds
If we don't continue to struggle, nothing will begin
So break through, beyond the door"
-Tobira no Mukou e/Beyond the Door

Expose your weakness and wounds.
Struggle.
I don't feel ashamed honestly. I wonder if I should. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am.
I'm not perfect. I'm an ugly, sick person.
Excuses maybe.
Whatever.
I'm growing. I'm not going to hide anymore because I supposely too much of sinner or beast to show my face. "Even though I'm no more than a monster - don't I, too, have the right to live?" - Old Boy

Rant rant rant.
I have hurt people; there is no way to ever make that up. I don't believe in any equivalent exchange that somehow makes that up. For me, for myself personally, I don't believe any reason I have can ever justify anything that I have done to hurt others... I only add more and more to my debt.
I have hurt so many: more importantly the ones who I love the most and love me more then I truly deserve. But I will not become a waste to everyone that I know.
I will not underestimate the power of saying sorry... words. Words are empty. But it's somehow a step, even if it's so very small.

"If we don't continue to run, there is no future
So move forward, beyond the door"